I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he fucked my hip out of place.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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