They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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