I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
