she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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