My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
