blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You've changed since you got that strap on
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
