I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
