oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
