she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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