that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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