I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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