Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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