How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
