just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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