I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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