woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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