In the future we'll all be gay
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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