I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
