there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
