Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
