Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
