can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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