taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
