9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
