just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
