gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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