I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
