I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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