I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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