Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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