I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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