I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
