Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
