I wish I only lived at night.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
