my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
