The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
