Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
do nipples grow back?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
