Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She told me I should be a condom model.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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