The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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