you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
