just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
that's an acceptable place to lick
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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