Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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