in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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