Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
