umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
