Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
