Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
