WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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