i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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