The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
