Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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