youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
