You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
be right there i have to get my cape
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
