i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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