I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
