where am i from again
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
