Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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